My Birth Stories
Jax, January 2012
I made a massive change and decided to deliver with a midwife at a hospital that was incredibly supportive of birthing families owning their own birth experience.
This was my hardest labor of the three. I succeeded with my goal of avoiding the epidural and yet, this labor was loaded with fear. My dad had passed away two months prior and what I now know in hindsight was that my mind was in a very bad place. I was so excited to meet my sweet son but I was still mourning a major loss and I was not at all emotionally strong. The mind-body connection is really, really real.
I begged for drugs but knew I wasn't really wanting them. My Doula and Midwife both assured me that the epidural was a perfectly fine option, though neither one of them went running for the anesthesiologist because they weren't convinced that was my final decision. (they were right!)The battle was in my head. This labor gave me an intimate knowledge of fear. I had hit the wall that so many women hit. You want to stop and go home but you can't. You MUST birth this baby. There is power that comes from facing that fear. I was reminded that I was safe by both my Doula and my Midwife and I could tell that everything was normal because they were so calm...... but I was still petrified. I somehow made the decision to not get the epidural or perhaps my body just kept moving forward as I battled the decision to take drugs or not. I transitioned into pushing and in 6 minutes, Jax exploded into this world.
He is my most emotional child, hands down. I do fully believe that his temperament and beautiful heart are directly connected to my experiences while I was pregnant and in labor. It's all connected.... All of it. My dad dying, my fear of labor, my panic and my inability to allow this birth to be graceful. It's connected.
Siena, October 2009
This birth taught me my power. It also showed me that even though you go in with knowledge (I'm pretty sure I had read every book) you are still in a very tricky medical system. It's a system that gives birthing families very little say in their own experience and I had greatly underestimated the OB rotation. My prenatal OB was great but the OB on duty was now in charge.
I had a Doula, yet still, I ended up with unwanted Pitocin which drove me to call for the epidural which I was hoping to avoid. I then ended with an unnecessary episiotomy. That said, I FELT POWERFUL. And I believe that was largely due to my amazing doula. She helped me stay present and made it possible for my husband to really show up, and be present with me emotionally. This helped us both roll with the decisions that weren't going the way I had planned. That said, I was an active participant, even if things weren't going my way. I made decisions I hadn't planned on making but my Doula was the one reminding me that I was in charge of this experience. I really was the most important person in the room. Once my daughter was born, I felt like the most powerful person on the planet and I longed to experience it again. I had no idea that I had such inner strength and it completely blew me away. I knew immediately that I wanted to help everyone feel this power. I wanted to be a Doula.
Cruz, December 2013
It took me three tries but this was the labor I had been dreaming about. I finally figured out how to allow the experience to unfold and it was stunning. This labor truly and completely transformed my belief that birth is a full and complete mind-body connection. You can't just know the information, you need to BELIEVE the information. You need to believe in yourself and your body's incredible power and you need to be surrounded by peopIe who also believe in your amazing power. I went into this birth knowing my power.... I was no longer learning about it and I had an easy time managing the pain. There was no fear and every single part of this labor and delivery felt easier than my others...... I was just so fully confident in myself and it felt amazing.